We are living in a day in which people don’t know how to work out their differences. This is especially true in their most meaningful relationships. In a day and age where relationships are struggling, the most challenging but rewarding relationship is the marriage relationship. It is the foundation of our society. It is a place where a new generation is being born and developed. It is the place where values are being taught, both positive and negative. It is one of God’s greatest tools to shape our lives and it becomes the most profound example of what it means to be in a relationship with God. It is interesting that in both Old and New Testaments we see that marriage is a key metaphor in helping us understand our covenant relationship with God, and how we are in a oneness relationship with Him. Marriage is the place where we learn to pour out our lives for one another and when children come along to increase our capacity for giving.
Yet, it is also the relationship where we are most exposed and vulnerable. It is the place of the greatest joy, but also of greatest pain. So, how can we work at making this critical relationship, and other close relationships, not only work but thrive? How can we build a healthy, loving relationships where challenging obstacles can seem to hinder that goal? The best place to turn for instructions is the operator’s manual. God, the originator of marriage, gives us amazing insights into how to grow our marriage or other meaningful social relationships. Here we are going to discover what makes people attractive, and the answers may surprise you.
In 1 Peter 3:1-7, we discover God’s blueprints for a successful marriage. First, he instructs wives and then moves to a succinct instruction for husbands. Peter gives very simple keys to creating a meaningful marriage relationship, and I would add to any relationship. These are primarily attitudes that lead to healthy behaviors.
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, When they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hair styles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.[i]
Let’s look at two keys for healthy relationships and marriages.
THE FIRST KEY IN HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGE IS A SUBMISSIVE ATTITUDE
Here, we need to understand the voluntary nature that is being asked of wives. Submitting is the opposite of self-assertion and the demanding of our rights. Walls and Anders in their commentary on Peter’s letters write: “It involves being satisfied at times with less than what one may deserve or claim as a right.”[ii] If we take these texts in their context, Peter has been talking about submission for the sake of the gospel. Scot McKnight rightly points out: “One specific point we can make is that the principle of living for the sake of the gospel is transcultural.”[iii] In other words, culture should not be what defines our lives, our motives, nor our behaviors. We ought to live in such a way that God is glorified because of the manner and way that we live. The good news is demonstrated by our lives.
Wives are to cultivate an inward beauty that is attractive. Here in our text, it is described as a beauty that comes from the heart, ‘the inner part of her being,’ and as ‘an unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.’ This is expressed in the relationship as an attitude of an act of submission to her husband, which means that for a person to actually do this, it takes a great confidence and trust in God. The concept of gentleness and restraint of words is a virtue expressed toward all of God’s servants in the N.T.
And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance [a change of mind] leading them to a knowledge of the truth.[iv]
The best way to win and influence people is through consideration, kindness, and gentleness. Often the best argument is demonstrated more by our way of life than by our words. We are living in a culture that is superficial. We focus on externals, but here we see what makes for healthy, long-term relationships is what is happening within a person. A gentle and quiet spirit is persuasive and attractive and can only come from someone who is confident that God is ultimately in control and is entrusting themselves to Him to work out what is best. This comes from a submitted heart to God. But what does submission mean?
In one Greek lexicon: “It is the Greek word, ‘hypotasso,’ and it literally means ‘to subordinate our rights.’”[v] All conflict is about who is in charge or who is in control. We are living in an hour that is struggling with conflict, people are violently demanding their rights; and yet the Christian message and example is one of yielding or laying aside our rights, dying to self and learning to trust God. It’s about being a servant. Submission does not imply inferiority. Nor does it suggest superiority, rather it speaks of a loving willingness to surrender to another’s leadership. When Jesus came to earth, He willing submitted himself to the Father in Heaven even though Jesus was absolutely equal to the Father. Peter describes three areas of submission that enrich relationships and, in this case, the marriage relationship.
A. The first area where this submission needs to be seen is in the behavior of wives.
It is one thing to submit to a loving and understanding spouse, but Peter takes a more challenging situation, where the husband is an unbeliever or, as I’ve pointed to upset wives, someone who is behaving like an unbeliever. Thomas Schreiner states, “A more accurate translation ‘do not believe the word’ should be translated, ‘do not obey’, because the verb in question (apeitheo) focuses on disobedience rather than unbelief.”[vi] Peter uses that term to describe those who are resistant to God’s directives.
So, what are wives to do when husbands aren’t listening to them? One temptation for a wife is to use the fine art of nagging. The reason why this is so ineffective as a method of seeing change occur in one’s husband is that it is primarily a message of rejection. I don’t like the way you are or the way you do things.
B. Nagging is a destructive means of attaining your way.
Nagging does not factor in the nature of men. One of the greatest needs of a husband is for their wives to respect them. This speaks to the need for affirmation. How many have discovered that arguments rarely, if ever, win people over? Living out the truth is far more effective method of communication. So, for all the exasperated wives who are now thinking, “How can I be heard?”, hear what wisdom literature teaches us. “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.” (Proverbs 25:15).
What is this verse saying? That the way to persuade is not amping up the voltage on the conversation but understanding that the means of persuasion is through gentle communication. Notice the effect this kind of communication has on others. It has the ability to break a bone. Duane Garrett states: “The bones are the most rigid body parts inside of a person, and fracturing the bones here refers to breaking down the deepest, most hardened resistance to an idea a person may possess.”[vii] This gentle approach is illustrated by Sarah, Abraham’s wife.
To be Sarah’s daughter is to be a joint heir of the promises and the honor given to her and to Abraham. The condition for being Sarah’s daughters is if you do right and let nothing terrify you. Both verbs are again present participles indicating a pattern of life continued over a period of time.: ‘if you are doing right and not being frightened by any terror’, then you are (more accurately, ‘you have become’) Sarah’s daughter. Peter’s insistence on ‘doing right ‘is a reminder that no acts of disobedience in Sarah’s life are to be imitated by Christian wives (cf. Gen. 16:2, 6; 18:15; perhaps 20:5); it is her submission to her husband and her trust in God that Peter commends.[viii]
This does not suggest that a wife is to submit to her husband even if he tells her to do wrong. That would be taking this concept to the extreme. Many people go to extremes which is destructive. Some pastors have taught, and certain wives have been obedient in their misguided desire to please God, to submit to their husbands, even if it is wrong. This is one pitfall. The other is simply ignoring their husbands. This can happen when we put our children ahead of our marriage. The primary relationship in the home is marriage. A good marriage creates healthy families. This can also happen when husbands neglect their wives by putting hobbies or work ahead of their spouse.
We realize that communication is one key to healthy relationships, but how do we handle it when the spouse is no longer listening? We need to take it to a higher court of appeal. We need to intercede before God and patiently wait for God to work on that person. This requires faith and patience. I would encourage us in our praying to start thanking God for the answer even if we don’t see it yet (cf. Phil. 4:6).
C. Priority of the inner life.
What should be the priority? While we should attend to our outward appearance, that should not be the priority. Peter is talking about the inner spiritual development. The key to seeing another person influenced by your life is not to go about changing them but rather allowing God to work in your own life. What initially attracts a person is not always what sustains the relationship.
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves.[ix]
Verse 3 has been incorrectly interpreted by some as forbidding women to wear these items as clothing. Wayne Grudem states: “Peter’s point is not that any of these are forbidden, but that they should not be a woman’s ‘adorning,’ her source of beauty.”6 Rather beauty is something that should originate within the heart of the individual. Leonhard Goppelt adds: “The hidden person is not the inner side of the person, but the whole human beings as it is determined from within.”7
D. The centrality of attitude enriching relationships.
Submission is an attitude of the heart. Notice Sarah was willing to yield to Abraham. Whenever wives treat their husbands with respect, or for that matter whenever we treat others with respect, it transforms relationships. Generally, when we treat others with respect, they live up to it. People are so beaten down that when someone believes in them, they respond. The reason why many wives struggle with this area is because of the fear of being taken advantage of. Peter raises this issue of fear in the relationship. “They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.” (1 Peter 3:6). There is always a risk when we do what God says, but whenever we honor God by obeying His word, He honors us.
Husbands are admonished to love their wives and if that occurs, fear will not be part of the equation. Perfect love casts out fear (cf. 1 John 4:18). David Helm clarifies what this text is not saying:
It does not mean that if your husband asks you to abandon your faith in Christ, you should do so. It does not mean that if your husband asks you to sin, you should do so. It does not mean that you must always agree with him and never present a differing view. It does not mean that if he is unfaithful to you, you are left without biblical recourse. It does not mean that if he abuses you physically or abandons you through incessant verbal humiliation you must remain quietly in the home and accept the daily cruelty of that relationship at all cost.[x]
That is unhealthy and there are steps that can be taken to address these issues.
THE SECOND KEY IN HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGE IS A CONSIDERATE ATTITUDE
When a husband is concerned and understanding toward his wife, a lot of difficulties never occur. It also eliminates many misunderstandings. Women need to know that their husbands love them, and one of the ways is through consideration of her needs and feelings.
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.[xi]
- The need for consideration.
This is more than just physically providing for one’s family. There is a need for emotional provision. Marriage is meant to be a partnership, a sharing of life together. The KJV describes it as living with your spouse according to knowledge.
The knowledge Peter intends here may include any knowledge that would be beneficial to the husband-wife relationship: knowledge of God’s purposes and principles for marriage; knowledge of the wife’s desires, goals, and frustrations; knowledge of her strengths and weaknesses in the physical, emotional and spiritual realms; etc. A husband who lives according to such knowledge will greatly enrich his marriage relationship—yet such knowledge can only be gained through regular study of God’s Word and regular, unhurried times of private fellowship together as husband and wife.[xii]
The responsibility of the home is primarily the husband’s. Generally, when our families fall apart it is an indictment against us as men. Most wives look to be loved and understood. Obviously, there are other reasons that destroy marriages and other relationships. However, when both parties are living out what God is asking of them, you will see spiritual growth within each partner. It is important that we ask where our wife is emotionally. Do we know where she is spiritually? The greatest means of discovering where they are at is simply spending some time reading Scripture and praying together. How do people respond to a person they don’t feel valued by? One of two ways. There will either be a growing hostility or a sense of self-depreciation and diminishing of themselves.
A husband must show consideration and value toward his wife. Wayne Grudem writes: “Love grows out of an attitude of honoring someone. When we decide that someone is valuable, that decision alone is a major first step in acting out our love for the person.”10
- The Need for Respect.
Francine Klagsbrun in her book, Married People: Staying Together in the Age of Divorce,’ interviewed 87 couples who had been married 15 years or more. She hoped to identify the factors that had enabled these marriages to survive and thrive in a time when some 40 percent end in divorce. Respect it turned out to be a key element. ‘It’s not the same as admiration.’ Dr. Alexandra Symonds, associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the New Youk University School of Medicine, ‘When you fall in love, you admire the other. You look up to someone; much the way a child idealizes a parent.’ Such romantic admiration thrives and even depends on the illusion that he or she is ‘perfect for you.’ That’s why it doesn’t last. ‘You need to come to see that the person you married isn’t exactly what you expected.’ There are differences of personality, approaches to life; different ways of doing things. It’s now that real respect has a chance to develop. You can try and change your mate back into your fantasy. But for the marriage to last you must agree to disagree, learning to let the other be. For respect is between peers. …Whenever we put someone else down, it sends the message that the other person has no worth. …Good marriages nurture each other’s self-esteem. …Respect then is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique. These things take time to discover, accept and finally appreciate. That’s why respect is a quality of maturity in a marriage, not of the first heat of romance. …The root meaning of the word respect is ‘to look at.’ Respect is a clear yet loving eye. It sees what is really there, but also what is potentially there and helps to bring it to fruition. Respect is the art of love by which married couples honor what is unique and best in each other.[xiii]
In Peter’s charge we find that the husband is to “treat the wife with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life.” If wives are weaker, then husbands are weak. What God sees is our weaknesses. What we discover is that husbands have great power for good or evil in the lives of their wives. We either build up our wife or tear her down. That’s true in every relationship. In marriage, if you build her up, you are building yourself up because the two have become one. If you are tearing her down, you are tearing yourself down. Remember, your wife is your equal when it comes to receiving from God.
What I have discovered over the years is that men who diminish their wives really don’t love themselves. “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:28)
The way to bring about change is to accept the love that God has for us. When I receive God’s love I can begin to love others.
- We are to maintain harmony with others.
When a person is inconsiderate and does not respect others it creates harmony, which spreads into other areas of our lives. When we do not treat our wives properly it negates our relationship with God. I would add this is true of anyone we disrespect and are inconsiderate toward. We know from this passage it affects our prayer life (1 Peter 3:7).
No Christian husband should presume to think that any spiritual good will be accomplished by his life without an effective ministry of prayer. And no husband may expect an effective prayer life unless he lives with his wife ‘in an understanding way, bestowing honor’ on her. To take the time to develop and maintain a good marriage is God’s will; it is serving God’ it is a spiritual activity pleasing in his sight.[xiv]
This is true in every relationship. We are to live in harmony with our brothers and sisters in Christ.
Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.[xv]
The greatest hindrance to prayer is broken interpersonal relationships with others. God challenges us to repair our human relationships in order to restore our relationship with Him. Relationships are the key to a meaningful life. They give us purpose. We are here to serve God primarily by serving others. This starts first at home. In our rights-oriented society, often driven by the abuses generated because of human self-centeredness, we quickly make life about our needs, when the reality is that the Christian life is about laying down our rights to best serve others. It is not about getting our way or even being right. It means showing respect and consideration toward others. It means accepting that people may have a different point of view, but that does not make them the enemy. It means learning to show consideration and entrusting our concerns to our heavenly Father. It means praying for and with others.
When we learn that it is not about us but how we can reflect the gospel through our lives and words for the sake of God’s honor, we will show respect and consideration to others. When we do this, we will have healthier interpersonal relationships beginning with our spouse, families, friends, and even strangers.
https://pixabay.com/photos/wedding-bride-couple-love-groom-10119092
[i] 1 Peter 3:1-7, The New International Version of the Bible, Zondervan, 2011.
[ii] David Walls & Max Anders, 1 & 2 Peter; 1, 2, &3 John; Jude, Vol. 11, (Nashville, Tn: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 1999), 48.
[iii] Scott McKnight, 1 Peter, The NIV Application Commentary, (Grand Rapids, Mi: Zondervan, 1996), 188.
[iv] 2 Timothy 2:24-25.
[v] Arndt, W. Danker; F. W. Bauer; & Gingrich, F. W., A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and other Early Christian Literature, 3rd Ed. (Chicago, University of Chicago Press, 2000), 1042.
[vi] Thomas Schreiner, 1, 2 Peter, Jude, The New American Commentary, Vol. 37, (Nashville, Tn: B & H Publishing Group, 2003), 149.
[vii] Duane Garrett, Proverbs, New American Commentary, Vol. 14, (Nashville, Tn: Broadman and Holman Publishers, 1993), 207
[viii] Wayne Grudem, 1 Peter, Tyndale New Testament Commentaries, Vol. 17, (Downers Grove, Il: Inter-Varsity Press, 1988), 150.
[ix] 1 Peter 3:3-5.
[x] David Helm, 1, 2 Peter, Jude: Sharing Christ’s Sufferings, (Wheaton, Il: Crossway, 2008), 102.
[xi] 1 Peter 3:7.
[xii] Wayne Grudem, 1 Peter, 143.
[xiii] Annie Gottlieb, Respect at the Heart of Successful Marriage, Reader’s Digest, June 1988, 123-24.
[xiv] Grudem, 1 Peter, 154.
[xv] Matthew 5:23-24.
